thed0llh0use | Recent Entries

no matter how many times i tell people who i am, they just forget somehow. it's starting to get irritating and pretty annoying, i know people can forget about such things but.. if it's repetitive then it gets really irritating as hell man. some certain people talk about me right? and those people know what i identify, but they don't say what i identify behind my back. they just address me by my deadname, and biological gender. i feel like that's a pretty horrible thing to do behind someone's back even if that certain person knows they are trans. it's quite annoying. plus some people do it to me on purpose, just to be selfish, and that's really transphobic as hell. call me a snowflake or sensitive but i want people to address me that i want to be addressed as. i hate living in this body every single day, it's like a curse. but people usually treat it as a privilege to me just because of how my body is shaped. they just say "people would kill to have your body" or "your looks" whenever i say i feel off about my body. it does not make me feel any better, it just makes me feel more feminine and it makes me sick inside. i just want to look like some regular guy, not some confused girl. i hate it so much.

- sunny

Current Mood: annoyed

ever since i was little i didn't really cared about gender as much (even though my mother did A LOT), i was always forced to follow gender norms (for example, blue is for boys and pink is for girls) i always played with barbie dolls or monster high dolls, i don't know that was the only girlish thing i liked. i still have a full box of them and sometimes i like to take a deep dive into nostalgia land and see what kind of dolls i had. but when i was 10-12 some stuff felt weird, this was the beginning where i started to use the internet often (i mean back then when i was little i always sat on my parents computer, playing any kind of flash games that interested me, but i didn't resolve myself around social media. i was only allowed to play any kind of video game there) i started to use discord often, instagram, snapchat at some moments, then tiktok. (of course i would) i honestly miss the old days where i played flash games all the time, it was really fun : (.

but anyways, i started to realize that i never thought about my gender as much. like sometimes i would just wear my own stuff usually, never wear as much girly clothes though. i would wear girly stuff sometimes, but it would be revealing in some ways which started to really make me uncomfortable when i grew up more. it was weird figuring out what i was. i was usually the awkward kid back then and didn't really socialize that much, i was like.. a scene kid almost? i had an emo ass haircut back then and honestly it kinda popped off, i wanted to be like one of those scene girls when i was 10. people usually made fun of me for it though, so i stopped styling my hair like that when i turned 12. i really wish i didn't care about what people thought about me when i was little, i was an extremely anxious nervewreck. when i turned 12 i started to experiment with more outfits and noticed i liked the masculine side more. i started to wear baggy stuff a lot, like baggy jeans, a lot of boy shorts, a LOT of band t-shirts (i still have a lot..) plus comfortable sweaters. i started to acknowledge that i felt uncomfortable being called a girl, i didn't know what to do about it, i was stuck thinking about it everyday. i was scared to realize the fact i was actually a dude because my family was so strict on that stuff (they do not mind the sexuality part, just the gender stuff)

so one day, i just went like "fuck it, i'm a guy.." and here i am now, still identifying that. i am fully nonbinary, but i don't mind being called a dude. being a trans guy is honestly hard, finding the right clothes for you, plus the chest issues as well (i have fat ass boobs and i hate it man, i do not mind it though, i just want people to acknowledge that i'm a dude) and mostly trying to convince your parents to get the clothes you want to wear. i remember my parents saying it was just a phase, then why the hell am i still like this? they treated me like i was dealing with some kind of mental disease, which i wasn't infact. i was trying to figure out what term i am comfortable with. i still am like this and its difficult, but not as difficult anymore. i am still closetted though, telling my parents about me being transgender will be a hard thing for me.

- sunny

Current Mood: nostalgic

sometimes i have the need to write poems. back then when i was in 8th grade i used to write poems all the time in my english class for fun, it was like another hobby of mine. it isn't very frequent anymore because i grew out of it, or just stopped focusing on the idea of making poems for fun. i usually did them whenever i was mentally exhausted or dealing with heavy thoughts. (i am slowly dying i just choked on my spit, urgf) or maybe i did them just because i had nothing else to do. the idea of writing poetry is nice though to me and it helps in some parts of my life.

i REALLY dislike the teacher from my biology class so much, i know biology is difficult but i didn't know it was gonna be this bad. before the new teacher came into biology we had a replacement for the teacher, i'll call the teacher Mr. B. he was really nice about such topics and tasks, plus didn't rush us at all and usually assigned like schoolwork on computers (which i prefer instead of doing it on paper, my hand starts to cramp a lot due to writing) he was calm, plus pretty chill at his job. then.. the new teacher came in. this teacher used to teach at a different school which is usually known for drug dealing, school shootings, a lot of bad stuff from there. surprised that she was a teacher there even though she said she has been there for 12 years i suppose? anyways, when we started to progress through the new teacher, she treats us like kids instead of actual human beings dude. she's so rushed at things, i feel like everything in my mind is so disorganized in the class because she speeds up so. effing. MUCH. i have adhd, been diagnosed with it ever since i was a little guy. my brain usually has to process stuff slowly, not fast. if you give me a piece of paper with random directions and walk away without telling me what to do, i am not gonna know the subject man or what to do. this teacher treats me like that and it's so horrifying for my mind.

she sometimes makes me feel retarded for other things, like she reminds us so much about things (which yes, i know teachers are supposed to do that BUT NOT AGGRESSIVELY DUDE) i start to cry inside. when i don't know what to do, she points at the stuff that i need to do like someone teaching a kid how to do stuff. it makes me so mad and just makes me want to get up and walk out of the classroom. it sucks man. i want to be able to do my own classwork, not like being guided through it if i already know the directions. she does that, because she thinks that we all don't get stuff easily. WE DO DUDE. we just don't like to participate in such social things, she usually forces me to get an answer out of me and tries to teach me through it. (like what to say) like. just give up and how about you say the answer instead. i know this seems like "easy" but it is not to me, i dislike giving out answers the most part and i just think it's really stupid to be graded on participating. OH, also she complains about how much graded work she has to do.. like. bae. ? you are the one assigning papers to us. i just can't stand adults man. all of them are so annoying as hell.

- sunny

Current Mood: annoyed

people should mostly mind their own business, like everyone in the world. i seriously don't know why it is a common issue in this world, it's fucking stupid. i really despise people like that, whenever i am dating someone they always have to get into my own business like dude do you have a life? literally you don't have a life. go get one you ass. while i was walking down with my boyfriend yesterday (we were both going to his grandma's house for halloween) some random ass ex of his spot us and fucking said "is that your new side-chick? i hope they don't get abused!".. the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? let me tell you, i was so fucking pissed off i just wanted to stop in my tracks, go over there, and fucking push her to the ground and pound her fucking face with my fists. i was so pissed off. (still am) mentioning this, i also know her from my school. so she had the AUDACITY to say that in front of me? i know the best option is to ignore it but i'm feeling quite feisty today, i really want to fucking tell her off. plus, this motherfucker already knows i am transgender and decides to misgender me.. the fuck dude.

i hate bitchy white girls so much, they should just fucking mind their own business, all of them man. most of his exes spread rumors about him being abusive towards his partners and i really don't think that is true, because most of my experiences with him are pleasant and comfortable. he makes me feel at home. he is genuinely the first ever person i have dated in person that gets me on a level man. also, from his experience he told me most of his exes abused him, so i quite understand now. they fucking twist it onto the victim which makes me sick. dude what the fuck. i hate how people start blaming guys randomly for being "abusive" just because they are a dude, like don't you have something else better in your life to do? do you have a job? family? or are you just that bored to be an ass.. like seriously grow the fuck up. keeping in mind, the person who harassed both of us is like 17 or possibly 18.. LIKE WHAT? girl you're almost an adult and you're harassing us just because of an stupid rumor.. grow the fuck up man. i can't believe i'm much more fucking maturer than this person, its so embarrassing dude.💀

- sunny

Current Mood: angry

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Current Mood: exhausted

my nose feels horrible today due to the weather i think, but i saw the movie on friday and it was really good. i like how they did the work on the animatronics and how they were built. i actually spent time researching how they did it, and here's a little fun fact. did you know foxy couldn't require a person to perform in the suit? he was fully built as an animatronic and nobody was unable to go into the suit because of wires, and all of the mechanics in there. so he was the only one to not have a performer in there which was really cool. i don't really know how they all controlled them, i just only know that they had performers sometimes in chica, bonnie, and freddy. it was really cool overall and i hope they make another one if they can. it was really nice seeing them all in real life. i loved it. i think i will be studying more on how they created them, plus put them all together.

- sunny

Current Mood: thoughtful

this might be a short entry but idrc, i am really excited to see the fnaf movie today. i heard that people are saying it's bad and good, so it's quite confusing to expect. i just hope it is alright because i grew up around fnaf ever since i was little (thanks to my parents for unrestricted internet access.) i just hope it ISN'T bad. after i see it, i'll infodump about it on this blog. i will be going to the theaters with my boyfriend, which yes, will be our first ever date. (which is kinda silly.) i hope it turns out well.

- sunny

Current Mood: excited

i really like various artists. i usually take my time to explore and experience what others make. through music and such, i think it's absolutely a beautiful thing to make songs. i have been talentless on making songs ever since i was little, i can indeed play an instrument.. but i do not have talent for singing, song making, or such things like that. i can only scream through music, that is all.

artists i really enjoy are like alex g, mitski, tv girl, radiohead, weezer, deftones, whirr, slipknot, various others honestly if you look onto my profile. i love alex g and tv girl the most though, i really enjoy both of their music. i variously relate to a lot of songs from both of these artists and i really like how they write them each. i like how song makers put such poems together, old quotes, or things that make us feel something.

i can entirely just block out my life and be with music, it is a heavy coping mechanism for me since i deal with both adhd and autism (i mostly prefer wearing headphones out in public) i've been trying to get used to without having them, but i freak out if i do not have them with me. i usually always need music to work, draw, and anything really. i cannot stand silence, it makes me entirely uncomfortable and i always have to have something to play in the background.

having adhd and autism is quite difficult at a lot of times, i sometimes wish i could learn stuff easily and not give up. it takes quite a long time for me to adjust to a social setting, and most of the time i usually use my hands for talking. (hand gestures, i am still trying to learn ASL since i go nonverbal in situations) it's really difficult and sometimes i wish i was normal. i know like, nobody is normal in this world. i mean by doing things that other people can do. here's an example: most people can tie their shoes, i cannot. even no matter how many tries, no matter how many people i watch to learn, no matter if a video i see demonstrates me it, i am just. unavailable to learn how to tie my shoes.

i usually need someone to help me and it's really embarrassing. my boyfriend usually ties my shoes for me, and i feel embarrassed about it because i am 16, and i should be able to do this. i hate how i haven't learned things easily that i was supposed to already learn. i wish i could understand things and not be slow at it. i really wish.

- sunny